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The Border Between What and What?

Filed under: General — 19day @ 22:11:42

I took this mental health test a while back, but had no blog to post the results on, but now I do. The major findings of this test were symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Well woop-di-doo, whatever, I thought, but then I decided to look up what Borderline Personality Disorder meant exactly (definitions provided by the same site) and it was kinda scary actually. Like those “draw a picture and I can tell your personality” things, where they get it mostly wrong, but one thread comes through clearly, except this one was quite good.

Here are the best bits:

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all.

Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

Basically, that’s me in a nutshell for that kind of thing. I can feel a friend is worth so much to me, then a little tiny thing happens, and it’s like the feeling drains and needs constant reassurance, recapacitance, to maintain the feeling, otherwise I switch down to being worthless in their eyes, and disliking them. And rejection and abandonment are my biggest fears, and of course, the ones that reoccur seemingly regularly.

I also feel as if I am insanely jealous… by the definition I learned in my Philosophy of Love class. Jealously isn’t envy, if I’m jealous of someone, it’s not that I want to be them or have what they have, it’s that I’m fearful that I’ll lose them, that they will drop out of my life, or not serve the function in my life that is most desired by me. But how can I fear losing someone, if they were never mine in the first place?

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