My apartment is just a mess. Spent the last couple of days trying to clean, but I was strangely unmotivated. So many pizza boxes, so much increased mass. I’ve just been working recently, work and sleep for the most part. People wonder how I can work so much, work on the weekends, work during vacation time, etc… well, it really helps not to have a life, honestly. Without the distractions of a lover, or hobbies, or even TV (which I never watch short of downloading a few things), work becomes your life. Is that bad? I don’t know. If I was forced to only work from 9 to 5, Monday to Friday, I suppose I would just spend a lot of time being bored.
Meanwhile, I think I’ve physically reached the limits of what my body can tolerate in terms of mass. Walking is becoming a problem. It once was just a matter of terrible leg pains, which could occur anywhere between 5 minutes or hours, or never during that walk. Now, it’s some wicked back pain, which either causes, or is merely in addition to, general weariness and tiredness. I’m not even sure how I can exercise effectively with this kind of crap. Of course, there isn’t even an alternative, for if you reduce calories, I’m told, you just get fatter anyway because of some famine-anticipation biological imperative. Of course, I’m sure the calories I’m taking in are excessive regardless, but even if reduced to normal amounts, I’d probably still have problems for the next, oh, 20 years. I’m considering joining the gym at work, but it still requires willpower… I have very little of that. The problem is that it’s so hard to see progress, if even there is. The only progress I really see is in the other direction.. things don’t fit, I’m leaving the realm of even the largest articles of clothing available from non-specialty stores. I’m talking about places like Sears, places like The Gap never created clothes for me. I’ve often been criticized for my lack of “style”, well, fat isn’t stylish, particularly styled clothes aren’t made for us. Except in the Other kind of specialty stores, of which I have never had to go, and have always resisted, because it seems like the final defeat, and which I will soon have to patronize….
Such things I would give to be merely too tall.
we’ll meet in the middle buddy, you give me some of your employment and i’ll give you some of my not-as-heavyness. I’m having stress-induced skin ailments and sicknesses and you’re having back and leg pain…we’re a great pair…where did parents go wrong..or are we to blame? maybe just i’m to blame…bah humbug!
Comment by Ian — 2006-12-07 @ 21:56:17
You’ve got to admit you want help before you can really change anything… I read this: “So many pizza boxes” and then I read this: “Walking is becoming a problem” and then I read this: “Of course, there isn’t even an alternative, for if you reduce calories, I’m told, you just get fatter anyway”.
So you recognize the problem, you know the root of it (but perhaps don’t admit it’s the cause), and then make excuses that nothing can change.
I think you can do anything you want. You have to want it… do you? Don’t give up yet. There is still so much to try. Stuff you’ve never dreamed of, probably would be closed to at first… but try it all and it’ll help. There are nutritionists, detox programs, colonic irrigation solutions… all sorts of things you can try. Yes, willpower, but once you start eating better you’ll get up the energy to begin working out. But it’s eating properly first that will get you there. You say you have no life and work all the time. It sounds to me like you have the money to put into changing your health and your lifestyle. Anyway… I have hope for you.
Comment by Christina — 2007-01-17 @ 10:09:42